Good evening. My name is John Hodgman I am a very famous minor television personality. Thank you very much Radio & Television Correspondents for having me here this evening...
More »Good evening. My name is John Hodgman I am a very famous minor television personality. Thank you very much Radio & Television Correspondents for having me here this evening. Thank you very much Mr. President for warming them up. But it is entirely appropriate for me to be following the president of the United States. Of course he cannot follow me because I am the most dynamic public speaker of our generation. As you can tell you can feel the energy at this very moment. I have a compelling personal story. I was born of two worlds. My father is from Fitchburg, Massachusetts; my mother from the city of Philadelphia which I believe is not even in the same state as Fitchburg Massachusetts. I grew up in Brookline, Massachusetts, your typical limousine liberal town, but I did not have a limousine until I was 12. My parents came from working class families, we had a modest home but we were surrounded by wealth on all sides. We had a modest 3 story home with 16 rooms. It’s true; we had more rooms than we knew what to do with. In fact we devoted one room solely so that I could practice the clarinet and the viola. Yes, that’s right clarinet and viola that’s what I said. Strings and woodwinds in the same room. I fused the two worlds. I made it happen and somehow through the strange hybrid upbringing, through work and diligence I still managed to attain the American dream, I went on television. It can happen. It can happen. Even in this country. A middle aged, round faced, weak chinned nerd can go on television and I am living proof. It’s hard not to be inspired I have to say. The president of course has his own compelling personal story of some kind so I’ve heard. So you know what I’m talking about. He is also born of two worlds and that is why we look to him and to this presidency for inspiration and for hope. Hope finally that we can heal the great and shameful division that has plagued our nation for so long. I am talking of course the age old conflict between jocks and nerds. It is the culture war of our time. When I say nerd I am not nearly about people who are good at math or know the name of all three kinds of hobbits…Fallohides, Harfoots and Stoors obviously. And when I speak of jocks I am not actually speaking of athletes because athletes are people with actual, beautiful skills and they are greatly rewarded for those skills and so they walk like giants across the earth, unheeding to the squabbles between jocks and nerds that go on on the ground behind them. It’s a question of philosophy. The last administration did not have a lot of world class athletes in it but it was clearly a jock administration. I don’t say this with judgment, I don’t look down on it, and it’s simply a question of philosophy. They proceeded at all times from intense confidence and certainty what they were doing was correct. They privileged gut instinct over complexity and bookish…they probably hated anyone who used the word privileged as a verb. And they were led by a cheerleader, obviously. Most of the reporters in this room probably worked on their High School newspapers, you are nerds. You proceed from a different philosophy, not of certainty but of questioning. You are the questioners, the reality testers, the nit pickers that is why you are so annoying sometimes. Not like the jocks, who are great to be around. You interview the jocks, you know they’re likable, confident, and nice to be around, not so much you and me I’m afraid. Radio talk show hosts are jocks, bloggers are nerds. This is obvious. Newspaper men and women used to be jocks because they used to run things. Now, more like ham radio operators. Radio shack hobby nerds, I’m sorry it’s called winning them over. Mr. President, they’re in the palm of my hand now…absolutely. Speaking of Supreme Court nominees, strict constructionist jocks. Anyone who believes that they know the original intent of the framers of the Constitution are obviously jocks because A. they hate hippies and B. they neglect the fact that the Constitution is perhaps the most geeky document of all time. It’s essentially the frequently asked question list of the United States. It was written by moneyed, sickly, bookish, bifocal wearing nerds who believe that God was a distant uncaring dungeon master. You know where I stand in this in this great divide. I’m a big fat geek. And there are those of you who will say wait a minute, didn’t he early say he was a nerd. There’s a difference between geeks and nerds of course and to you people I say shut up nerds. This is not the time for bickering. This is a historic movement. Because seated to my right right now is the person hat some people say is the first nerd president of the modern era. Look at the evidence. It is said that he collected comic book as a child. He is…with a Star Trek reference. He knows who the father of Superman is, Jor-el, J, o, r, -, e, l. Get it right. He is not only comfortable with technology but he is apparently addicted to his name brand smart phone that I shall not name for contractual reasons. He is a writer. He writes books even when he doesn’t have to. He speaks of restoring science and the concept of objective reality to the public square. It is an exciting time to be a nerd. There is talk in some states of even decriminalizing evolution. At this very moment the fate of Iran is strangely entwined with the sleep schedules of the geeks who maintain the servers at Twitter and YouTube. And even the president seems to appreciate that we’ve reached a turning point in history a triumph or dare I say a revenge of the nerds. But we in the nerd community are nervous, more so than usual. We are weary Mr. President I’m sorry to say. Are your really one of us? Because after all despite his Spock-ish calm and gangly frame…our president is known to dabble in sports and not just bowling but the hard stuff…what they call basketball. Last spring he was seen constantly looking at March Madness brackets and I was encouraged by this because I presumed March madness brackets was some form of obscure punctuation. I thought he was a type faced nerd, my kind of people. But apparently its some kind of sporty flow chart that I don’t understand. I don’t know what to believe anymore frankly. You know the talk radio hosts say that the President is a mystery. There is no documentation of his existing before this very night frankly. We have no proof that he is an American citizen or for that matter an earthling. And I think it’s a legitimate question, is the president truly nerd-core or is it all just an act as fake as those obviously prosthetic ears. Now, you people do an amazing job but you’re not asking the hard questions about this president’s nerd credentials, so it falls to me. Can I have the first slide please? There we go. This is a picture that I found on the internet Mr. President. For those of you listening on the radio there is a picture of the President standing in front of a statue of Superman that was taken in Metropolis Illinois by Clyde Wilson from the Metropolis Planet, sir is this a doctored photo or this a real photo. Did you know that statue was behind you when you had that photo taken? I have read on the internet sir that this photo was on your Senate website for a period of time. Is that true? Why is it not the home page of White House.gov? Are you ashamed? Sir are you ashamed of your friendship with a statue of Superman. Next slide, I’ll move on. Here we have the actor Leonard Nimoy, also a prosthetic ear enthusiast. You two would get along. In fact on the public radio show Wait, wait don’t tell me Leonard Nimoy claimed that in Chicago you flashed him what is known as the Vulcan salute. Is that true sir? Or…oh jeez. Alright you passed that one. But what about this. I have read that as a child you read the Spiderman comic books and Conan the Barbarian comic books…which one was that that we showed on the screen. It was Conan the Barbarian. Now do you happen to remember sir what was the name of the God that Conan the Barbarian worshiped, the fictional God that Conan the Barbarian worshiped? I stumped you on that one; the answer is Crom…Crom. You don’t remember that sir? I see. Now have you and your family chosen a church in which to worship Crom at? America wishes to know. There are some who claim sir you are the Kwisatz Haderach hello nerds. I’m sure you know Mr. President and the 5 people back there when I say Kwisatz Haderach I am referring to the novel Dune and the galactic Messiah that was prophesized by the all female religious cult called the Bene Gesserit who were addicted to the spice mélange which was produced by the giant sandworms on the desert planet of Arrakis also known as Dune. Why look, whoops I got to go back now. There’s a giant sandworm now. Now, I know you all of this so you won’t mind a quick three part question. Sir, what is the name of the Giant Sandworm in the original Fremen language of Dune? What is the machine that is used to summon such a Sandworm? And what is the name of the hallucinogenic vomit that the Sandworm expunges when they have been drowned in water? Don’t think about it sir, these are easy questions. There is no reason you should not know this. And in fact America waits your response. Sir if you are truly a nerd…excuse me [uses an inhaler] I have to let it seep in. I’m sorry, I’m sorry I lost control. I’m sorry Mr. President it is my fault you are clearly not exactly the person we hoped you would be and perhaps it was wrong and impractical and unrealistic of us to lay such hopes upon you. The reality is, we are geeks. We are defined by our passions and our enthusiasm and also by our open mindedness now is not the time for purity tests. But I am nervous. I am nervous. I am nervous because this is a beginning, Princes Irulan said a beginning is a delicate time and it is unsettling to realize that the time we are in is not a triumph of the nerds. This is not the end of something happening. This is the begging of a long journey. And many of the categories and labels that we’ve used to define ourselves and divide ourselves are evaporating. And while that is exciting it is also unsettling and scary. In many ways the talk radio show hosts are correct, the President is a complete mystery to me but no more so than the future itself. And as I am a geek I am obliged to embrace the future so I’m happy to turn to the president and extend what I consider the most American of greetings…sir though we may not always agree I have been and always shall be your friend. Live long and prosper. Thank you very much.
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