PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH: "Hello, my fellow Americans. I have chosen to schedule this impromptu address at night because quite frankly every time I speak during the day, the...
More »PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH: "Hello, my fellow Americans. I have chosen to schedule this impromptu address at night because quite frankly every time I speak during the day, the Stock Market goes in the crapper. So, sorry, Asian markets. You take the hit on this one. I come to you tonight in the midst of a very important election between two very qualified candidates: the hot lady and the Tiger Woods guy. Both candidates are heavily patriotized and display much characterization. And yes, I did have three Xanax and a Silver Bullet about a half-hour ago. I'm out of here in a few months, so screw it. But before I leave I wanted to help Sarah Palin and John McCain by giving them what every candidate wants most: a prime-time heavily publicized network endorsement from George W. Bush. Hey, don't pinch yourself John, you are awake! Now I tried to do this several months ago but somehow it kept getting pushed to a written press release or a shouted sentence as I walked to the helicopter. I began to suspect that they didn't want my endorsement to be too public. But now with the country on a big upswing and my numbers on the rise, I thought it was time to give a proper, large scale 'much love' to McCain and Palin... What? Really? Why didn't you tell me Jeff? I've just been told by my trusted aide Jeff, that the country is actually in a horrible downward spiral and that my approval numbers are lower than ever. That one's on me. Four months ago, I declared the Oval Office a bummer-free zone. So... You know what, let's bring on Senator McCain and Governor Palin.
GOVERNOR SARAH PALIN: "So nice to meet you, Mr. President. I've seen you on TV."
BUSH: "Where's McRage?"
PALIN: "You know, John McCain and I have been so busy travelin' around this great country of ours talkin' about change and energy independence and William Ayers, and doin' a little shoppin', but unfortunately Senator McCain, upon hearing you wanted to give him a super public endorsement, cannot be found. He was last seen travelin' on foot through the Adirondacks. But my husband and two of his drinkin' buddies are in pursuit on snowmachines.
BUSH: "Well, We'll smoke him out. George Bush always finds his man save for one huge exception."
PALIN: "We are gonna get 'er done."
BUSH: "My God you are folksy."
PALIN: "Why thank you Mr. President. I like to think I'm one part practiced folksy , one part sassy and a little dash of high school bitchy."
BUSH: "For a little while I was trying to be folksy but after a bit, it just came off douchey. All right, let me get into my endorsement for you as Vice President. As you know America, the office of Vice President is the most important office in the land. The Vice President decides when we go to war, how we tax the citizens and how we interpret the Constitution. The President can do nothing without checking with the Vice President. That is why Sarah Palin..."
PALIN: "Actually, Mr. President, I don't want to go all Katie Couric on you, but I think it's actually the other way around. I think the Vice President reports to the President."
BUSH: "Really? That's not what Dick Cheney told me when he sat me down on the first day."
TODD PALIN: "We out-mavericked the maverick!"
MCCAIN: "Good evening, my friends. Mr. President, always a pleasure."
BUSH: "Good to see you, John. Hey let's get a photo of this; it'll really help your campaign out. Now let me do this: I, George W. Bush, endorse John McCain and Sarah Palin with all my heart... John was there for me ninety percent of the time over the last eight years. When you think of John McCain, think of me, George W. Bush. Think of this face. When you're in the voting booth, before you vote - picture this face right here. A vote for John McCain is a vote for George W. Bush... You're welcome. So, I want to be there you, John for the next eight years."
PALIN: "The next sixteen years!"
BUSH: "Let's get a safety. I think I blinked on that last shot. Thumbs up, everybody. But most of all I support them because..."
ALL: "Live from New York...It's Saturday Night!!!!"
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